I am always afraid. I am always crippled with negative self-consciousness. What do they think? I’m 24 years old, I’m a dyslexic college drop out that doesn’t really plan on going back to school. What do they think? I just completed my 200 yoga teacher training and feel responsible for culturally appropriating another’s culture. What do they think? I was married at 21 years old before I had my own life together. What do they think? I want to be a stay at home mother and wife. What do they think? I want to run a small business from home while I raise children, but I have no education to start a business. What do they think? I am no longer a Christian and don’t identify with any structural religious box. I believe that there is a God but everything else I’m not sure about. What do they think of me?
I’m 24 years old and I am a dyslexic college drop out that doesn’t have a plan on going back to school.
When I was eight years old I wanted to be an astronomer. When I was nine I wanted to be a WNBA player (my parents are 5’2″ and 5’8″ by the way…but a girl can dream right?). When I was ten I wanted to be a singer. When I was fourteen I wanted to be a zoologist. When I was sixteen I wanted to be a wife and a mom. When I was seventeen I wanted to be a nutritionist. That’s the last time I remember being really dead set on a future path. I feel like the older I became the more unsure I was about what I wanted to do with my life, but I guess it’s that way for most people? I’m not entirely sure. See, my husband, Nathan (N8), did what I feel you’re supposed to do with life and now he’s relatively successful. My life went on a whole different track from the straight narrow I had in mind for all of my teenage years.
I was supposed to go to high school, graduate, go to college, already know what I wanted with me life by the time college ended, get a career position with whatever degree I received in college, already be married (I always wanted to get married and start a family young), have kids, still have a career, and live peacefully ever after…all by the age of 25. THAT IS NOT WHAT HAPPENED. I got the married thing check off the list (whoop) but everything else quite askew and I’m very self-conscious about it. I wasn’t supposed to be here at this age. I was supposed to be doing what I wanted to do with my life in addition to what my husband was doing with his life, not follow him around (like a sick puppy) with what he’s doing.
Last night I cried in my husband’s arms. “When am I ever going to be anything? When will I ever make anything of myself?” I sobbed and sobbed while he held me. I hate myself for not being more and I hate myself for not making more of myself for this long. I hate myself for not staying on some kind of path that would make me feel more valuable as a person and I hate that I feel I’m nothing more than “Nathan’s wife”. The hate for who I am and what I’ve become seeps from my inner core out to my pores and it’s written on my face whenever anybody asks “What do you do?”
Inner narrative (yes I talk to myself, don’t judge):
“Why do you hate it some much? Why do you hate yourself for who you are?”
Because I’m supposed to be more than this
“You mean you want others to see you for more than ”this”
Obviously, yes. What would they think of me? They’ll think I’m lazy and that I’m mooching off of Nathan. They’ll see that I’m no one of any value.
“Would you ever think that of someone else? You know that you never would. Why is it so important to you that people see you a certain way? Why does it matter what they think?”
Because… I need to feel the validation. I need to feel that other people see me as something more. I need to know that I’m valuable.
“Why? Why does the validation need to come from someone else?”
…because I don’t believe that I’m valuable, so I need to feel that other people think I’m valuable
“Is that really how it works? Even when other’s think that you are a wonderful person (which they do) do you actually believe them?”
No, I believe that they are being deceived. I’m not a wonderful person because I’m no one.
“So, other’s opinions doesn’t matter either even though that’s what you’re chasing. You’re chasing the approval of others even though you have it and don’t see it. Ergo, the opinion of others about your life doesn’t really matter, does it?”
“Then who’s opinion ACTUALLY matters?”
***Let the tears free fall from my eyes***